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Archive for December 8th, 2009

Weekend Update

On Friday, I found out that a friend and her young daughter were shot to death by her ex-boyfriend.  I am still recovering from the shock and disbelief over such a terrible act.  My love and prayers go to the families of all involved in this horrible tragedy.

I have been thinking a lot about love, self-love, and the importance of getting complete with our loved ones.  I started thinking “is there anyone that I owe an apology too”?  “is there anyone who doesn’t know that I love them”?  If I died tomorrow or today or next week, would I die with regret?  The funny thing is that I feel complete with the people in my life, with my community, with my partner….but not with me.  a ha! I have come so far over the past 5 years.  November 23rd marked five years of being drug free!  How could I be so complete with my friends and family, but so incomplete with myself?  Have I been deceiving myself all this time?  Do I really deserve to celebrate 5 years of being drug free if I have self-hatred and self loathing?  Aren’t those both forms of addiction?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know the answers and honestly I am not sure they matter.  What does matter is defining a clear path moving forward.  Of setting aside time to learn to really love myself and not just pretend.

I stayed on ETL for the most part.  Sunday night we went to a B&B in Stoughton.  It was really nice and just what we needed.  We got there late and had trouble finding a restaurant.  We did find a bar that was open and so we went there.  First of all,  people were smoking in there!  YUCK!  I am so used to living in a city that has banned smoking that I forget that the rest of the world still has to deal with this nasty habit.  I decided to get a chicken sandwich without the cheese, mayo or the bun.  So, I basically got a chicken breast with lettuce and tomato.  It was okay, but after watching Food, INC, I am not sure that I can eat meat anymore.  It kind of turned my stomach.

Since we were staying at the B&B, I decided to just eat whatever the Inn Keeper cooked for us.  This was not the best idea.  He served homemade scones, which were good in that addictive white flour sort of way.  Then he served a bowl of fruit that would have been great, but he smothered it with a honey nut yogurt mixture,  then he made us both a 3 egg omelet.  We had no idea what we were getting, so it was a surprise.  The omelet had so much butter that my plate was swimming with grease…ewwwwww!  It also had Hollandaise sauce and 2 kinds of cheese with ham and red pepper.  Typical SAD food!  There was also a croissant.  This was way too much food, but in good food addict fashion, I ate the omelet.  I had to draw the line with the croissant though.

For the rest of the day, I had a horrible stomach ache.  We both went to the gym last night and then came home and made a yummy salad.  We both agreed that the salad was the highlight of the day.  I like that my body is healing and that I am at the point where most of the time I prefer salad to greasy SAD food.

I love me, I love me, I love me…now I just need to prove it

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